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"Is it ethical to use a paragraph like this?"
This is the 204th Fundraising Writing Newsletter. If you find value here, please tell a fundraising friend. (Your fundraising friend can subscribe here for free.) Wednesday, September 2, 2026 Hi Reader, Brett here: Can you imagine running a 100-mile race ... blind? Me neither! But that's what our English fundraising friend Nick Thorley will be doing this month — not for the first time. It's one reason (among innumerable others) that I was happy to reply to his recent email which asked this question: "Is it ethical to use a paragraph like this?"Here's how Nick sets it up: I just had a quick question about a DM letter I’m writing. I was remembering something you shared in one of the fundraising emails, about bringing stories to life with references to different senses. I’ve tried to do this in the opening paragraph which I’ve copied below. However, I’ve used a huge amount of poetic license! I’ve based this on a rather dry case-study we got sent by our team in Burundi. I have the following facts:
So, my question is, is it ethical to use a paragraph like this?: Goreth and her client sat face to face, their knees almost touching. Outside the midday sun blazed in a clear sky. The heat was stifling in the airless cramped counselling room. Insects buzzed at the window and the sound of children playing echoed in the distance. Goreth’s eyes, full of compassion and concern, held the gaze of the fearful, malnourished, young woman before her. She was struck by her vulnerability and pain, but also her dignity. Weeks of meeting together and a slowly developing trust had led to the disclosure that the client had just made. Her husband beat her. She described in detail, with a calm steady voice, the latest episode of violence she had endured. After a few moments of silence, her face crumpled, her shoulders sagged and she began to cry. Goreth’s heart broke and soon, hot tears were streaming down her face. Look forward to your thoughts! . . . . . . . And here's how I replied to Nick's question: I think your approach is ethical because it accurately represents the truth of what you're portraying. I think you're on the right track, although I'd suggest leading with urgency rather than scene setting. Work sensory details in after you've established urgency, and use them sparingly like spices or pops of color. Here's my first quick stab it, to give you an idea of what I mean. (If I were writing this appeal, I'd spend more time refining.) Goreth knew she was going to cry. Like when you smell rain before the first drops fall. Or when you get a sinking feeling before something bad is about to happen. She knew it immediately because her client, Linda, was a ball of nerves. Goreth could sense the heaviness of whatever Linda was carrying, even before they'd shared a word. The effect was amplified by their closeness. Goreth sat directly opposite Linda in the cramped, hot office, their knees almost touching.
"My husband beats me," Linda said at last.
That's when the tears started, for Goreth and Linda both.
[Then I'd probably pivot to an ASK here ... and get to the parts about dignity and other context showing Linda is not just a victim in the copy that followed.] I hope that helps!! Reader, I hope it helps you too! Randomly yoursFor your brain, heart, and funny bone...
Until next time: May you tell your fundraising stories with the representative details they deserve, so donors feel as if they were there and you feel as if you could run 100 miles! Grateful, Julie Cooper & Brett Cooper You have to sound fully human! Your donors are! That's why I hope you'll join me next week for Tom Ahern’s “Writing In-House Direct Mail Appeals (E-appeals Too!) That Work” September 10th Webinar with Special All-You Can-Eat Q&A Guest Jeff Brooks. This instructional webinar lasts 1.5 hours ... followed by our trademark "all you can eat" Q&A (in 2026 featuring the omniscient Jeff Brooks). Q&A keeps going until the audience runs out of questions (97 questions and 3.5 hours are the records so far). Next Thursday will be here before you know it! Learn more and register now, maybe? |
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We're Julie Cooper and Brett Cooper, fundraising copywriters for great causes. Does your fundraising bring in as much money as it could? You can send donor communications that stir hearts to action. We'd love to help. 💛 Start by subscribing to our FREE and fun weekly newsletter.
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